This guy has no idea

Here's an article written quite some time ago which is somehow still on the internet about the chronology of the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Because I am totally gullible to think excessively about frivolous things, the article provoked me. Yet, I completely disagree with many of the assumptions of the article and would like to put forward a FBDO chronology of my own.

The Film's Ten Major Time-Sensitive Events:

1. Sears (Willis) Tower trip
2. CBOE trip
3. Art Institute trip
4. Lunch at Chez Quiz
5. Cubs game (no earlier than the 3rd inning)
   
6. German heritage parade
7. Stop on the side of the road to check on Cameron
8. Swim in Sloane's pool
9. Go back to Cameron's and trash the Ferrari
10. Ferris walks Sloane home (explicitly ends at 6pm)
    

A Step-By-Step Examination

• Preliminarily, all calculations assume that Ferris knows exactly what he has to accomplish and is busting his ass trying to get it all done in time. Because Ferris is portrayed as more of a cosmic force than a teenage kid, this seems reasonable. (Another interesting teenage cosmic force - Zack Morris apparently has the ability to control space-time by calling "Time Out!", making him more powerful than many, if not all, fictional superheroes. The teen-god trope is taken to its broadest extreme in Haruhi Suzumiya.)
  
• Jeanie leaves for school at 7:45am. Ferris immediately calls Cameron, hacks into the school's computer system, and fucks around at home before Cameron arrives. This could plausibly take an hour, putting Ferris at 8:45am.
• Cameron and Ferris trick Ed Rooney, so by the time Ferris picks up Sloane, it's probably about 9:30am.
• Ferris speeds the 25 miles down the Dan Ryan from Northbrook to the Loop, taking 30 minutes, including the time it takes to tip the parking attendants. It's 10am.
  
• Ferris gets to the Sears (Willis) Tower and takes a very rapid trip. This is plausible because very few other people appear to be touring the Tower at the time. He arrives at the CBOE, where there are also no lines, by 10:45am. Taking a brief moment to reflect (doesn't really seem like Ferris's style except to bemoan the drudgery of the place), he heads to the Art Institute and arrives by 11:15am.
• Realizing there's a lot to do, they check out La Grande Jatte and the Chagall windows and leave, departing by noon. Presuming that Chez Quiz is somewhere in Lincoln Park between the Art Institute and Wrigley (a precursor to Charlie Trotter's?), lunch begins by 12:30 and ends at 1:15.
  
• Presuming a typical 1:20pm start, Ferris arrives at Wrigley just after the first pitch. The baseball game provides John Hughes with the greatest flexibility, as the only concrete information we are given comes when the pizza guy tells Ed Rooney that it's the third inning when Ferris catches a foul ball. So, Ferris could have left Wrigley as early as 2pm. However, assuming Ferris stayed at least a little longer, let's say that Ferris, being a force for good and not really caring about the Cubs (Hughes himself is a Sox fan) leaves the game before it ends at 3pm.
• They get back down to the Loop for the German heritage parade by 3:30 and Ferris sings a couple of songs. Let's say they're done by 4pm.
• Getting back to the garage by 4:15, they drive back to Northbrook. Including 15 minutes to care for Cameron's mental health, it's now 5pm.
• Swimming at Sloane's and reviving Cameron takes half an hour. It's 5:30.
• The entire series of events ending in the Ferrari's destruction takes another half an hour, putting us at 6pm.
• Sloane lives near Cameron and the walk takes a few minutes. Here we are given more concrete evidence; Sloane's watch reads 6pm. So we are forced to cut Hughes a bit more slack and say Ferris leaves the baseball game slightly earlier than 3pm. From here, the chronology is completely plausible and Ferris makes it safe at home in bed no later than 6:15.
  

So while I commend the guy who I've linked above on his close attention paid to the film, I think my analysis is superior based on knowledge of Chicago geography and some slightly more plausible interpretations of events. It would have been tough, but Ferris indeed could have done all of these things in one day if he were strictly on the ball.

It's kind of weird to think that a kid as chill as Ferris could be so strict about his time in one day, but he's clearly driven and really smart. Or maybe he held some sort of time-freezing powers akin to Zack Morris (but different in that everyone is still moving while time stands still). Anyway, all of this is clearly irrelevant because you have to give the benefit of the doubt to John Hughes in order to enjoy the film. I mean, thinking about this is about as reasonable as asking yourself if it's realistic to create a woman to do your bidding using a computer.

Also, check out this link for more great FBDO reflections.

I went to Neo last night

Ok, so a couple of blocks from my apartment in Lincoln Park is this bar/club called Neo. Neo is known for being Chicago's 'goth' place to be. It's been around since 1979, which as you might know was pretty much the peak for a lot of the goth/industrial stuff, especially in the UK. Goth style seemed to have a sort of resurgence in the mid-90s, too with NIN and Manson and all that nonsense.

Anyway, the clientele of Neo is reflective of these two peaks. You've got the new wave/hipster goths (see Ian Curtis, above, right) and then the industrial/metal type goths which are generally a lot scarier. Well, they try to be scarier at least. In actuality, the clientele for Neo is not very scary at all and really pretty friendly. While I'm not into that whole style, I did feel marginally more comfortable around the people who go to Neo than your average person at Hangge Uppe or, god forbid, some other near north bar. (Aside: Hangge Uppe is not utopia, but it is the least annoying and pretensious place in its area.)

As for the actual bar, I was pretty down with it. I would only really enjoy going on Thursdays, when they have 80s new wave (heavy on the proto-goth stuff like Cure, early New Order and less Elvis Costello and certainly no Toni Basil). The other nights are metal or industrial and that's simply not my scene. In addition to some pretty chill tunes, they played Return of the Jedi and Weird Science on the movie screen behind the bar. Big up. I also got a half liter of Spaten in a stylish German glass mug. Very gothic.

The downside is that the place is damn geeky but that's just the name of the game when you're talking goth kids. That tone is preferable to me over places on the other side of the spectrum like Japonais. Also, the fake smoke machine was on overdrive. Just not used to smoke here in Chicago. Neo definitely isn't the kind of place you'd take anyone without an open mind. That probably explains why I haven't been there until this week. I'd have liked to come here more often but honestly, I don't know too many people who could tolerate it. But I think it's fun.

I hope to continue my week of new experiences by going to Delilah's at some point soon. It's a punk bar that's kind of close to my apartment also. The worst thing that could happen, I think, is I'd find another really chill place that I'll regret not going to all summer long. But I still hope for a fun night. Oh, I forgot to mention that last Tuesday I somehow ended up at a nearly vacant karaoke place at Cermak and Wentworth singing Yellow Submarine as covered by some Chinese band. Getting goaded into awkward situations can be fun..

Pitchfork 08 in Brief

I was expecting less, given the allegedly cramped location and not-so-cooperative weather. But the location was very convenient, mostly clean, and not as wet as it could have been. I'll continue to wear my Wayfarers in selected situations, but it's pretty clear at this point that the trend has peaked. Also, being able to get fresh fruit for decent prices at a music festival is a very nice thing indeed. Scattered thoughts:

• Public Enemy seemed kind of weak and drained. I guess it has been a long time for them. Couldn't really shake the feeling that the majority of the crowd was there to see the guy from VH1. Oh well.
• Caribou put on a pretty amazing show for early afternoon. Almost made me forgive them for getting injured an not coming to Charlottesville, which caused me to skip the show that would have featured...
• Fuck Buttons, who didn't seem quite suited to an outdoor atmosphere. I thought they were good, but the crowd lacked energy. I suspect many people there were curious to see the band with the expletive in their name. That's totally fine, as festivals are meant to widen horizons. But it's also going to make the actual performance less fun than if it were an intimate show with a bunch of people who really like the band.
• This was also true of Animal Collective. They were incredible, of course. Not really suited to mass audiences, in my opinion, though.
• HEALTH are kind of interesting kids, but I'm not really into anything LA.
• Ghost and Rae are always fun to watch but seemed a bit bored and I can't say that I blame them. Of course, it would have been nice if they got excited when I saw them last at an actual Wu-Tang show... but they didn't.
• I really like Spiritualized but haven't been as up on the new stuff, and my enjoyment suffered because of it.
  

Chicago hipsters love to play early 60's music in their retail outlets

Seriously... in thrift shops, American Apparel, record stores... it's all Chiffons and Ronettes all the time. What's up with that?

Several North Side Anecdotes

Toro (2546 N Clark)
Toro is great first and foremost because of awesome sushi. It tastes extremely fresh and the chef has numerous creative arrangements and compositions. This is the baseline for the restaurant's appeal. Without excellent food, nothing else would really matter. That said, Toro is not only great but awesome because of its location and casual atmosphere. Too many other superb sushi places in the city are utterly pretentious and void of heart. Toro has heart. I feel comfortable being there. It is BYOB. Five stars.

Kiki's (900 N Franklin)
This French bistro is another place that I really like because I feel comfortable when I'm eating there. I like feeling laid back and content in a restaurant, not judged. In addition to this, Kiki's has great cuisine. If you're sick of French bistro style, you probably won't like it, though. There's nothing here that hasn't been done before, it is just done very well and with the utmost care. Bonus points for having a custom painted Citroën out front.

Angels & Kings (710 N Clark)
Yes, it's owned by Pete Wentz, but honestly that's a net positive for me. I like the interior. It has a stylish feel without being stupid pretentious. The waitresses are really cute in a very emo way. Just like Pete would have it. The music is also excellent relative to any other bar nearby, which is huge. If I had enough money, I'd probably be up there on the stage sitting on one of the two old-school leather recliners enjoying bottle service. So I'm not going to throw a fit by the fact that it exists. I will throw a fit when confronted by $5 Bud Lights and a clientele that would please me by remaining in the Viagra Triangle. I might go back at some point, but not for a few weeks at least.

Celtic Crossings (751 N Clark)
It feels very much like an actual Irish pub if it weren't for the fact that no Irish pub would be as spacious as this place is. Completely down to earth, nearly to a fault. A humble jukebox and a variety of tables consist the entirety of the bells and whistles for this place. But it does one thing, and does it well. A welcome reprieve from the many obnoxious bars in the area.

Simply It (2269 N Lincoln)
So I got to Simply It and was nearly handed my order by the lady who was operating the cash register when a man who appeared to be maybe in his 40's suddenly barged out of the dining room and yelled very assertively in what I presume to be Vietnamese. I didn't have my contacts in at this point, and so was quite blind, but heard somehow that the Chicken Noodle Soup was in my bag. I decidedly did not order Chicken Noodle Soup. Briefly, another guy who ordered take out walked in. His order was also under the name 'Jason.' A small debacle ensued between the lady and the man. We two Jasons stood by, bemused. In the end, I got my basil beef along with a spring roll, watermelon, and lemonade. It was good. I will return to Simply It.

Crystal Castles Show

We almost ditched this show because of the massive line out the door, around the corner under the Blue Line tracks into an alley. The five of us dealt with the randoms standing around for a free show. Things given away aren't always valued. People know the band they paid $100 to see.

Anyway, in line at about 8:30 and and began judging the first band at 11. An apparently normal guitarist and drummer emitted digitized sounds passed through some modulator, I think. But it's just a guess. Not a fan.

Crystal Castles took a long time to come onto stage. Egregiously and disappointingly long, but I guess an electro group has to maintain a mystique. Couples doing their crazy couples at indie shows dance that you might have seen before. But trust me when I say that at an electro show your typical Wilco-style public humping takes on an entirely different tenor. The club's cramped design led to excessive sweating and the audio board crowded the stage in a totally awkward position. Generally inferior to Black Cat, which might be the most perfect small venue.

The black clothes, black hair, and heavy black eye shadow maintans Crystal Castles' mystique. Alice Glass, vamping and diving from the stage's edge compensated physical energy for vocal energy. Energetically dispassionate, the distance of Ethan Kath (on synth) highlighted his disinterest with crowd interaction, engrossed in the keyboard, lights, and blindfold-like hoodie.

Fun for a free show, but a compelled payment might have changed my impression. A 30 minute show befits this type of band.

Moving to Chicago for the Summer

Ok, so tomorrow I'm headed to Chicago for the summer.  I feel that there's no better way to get ready for this massive move than watching a bunch of movies that take place, at least in part, in Chicago.  You know, in order to build up huge expectations that cannot help but be dashed in reality.  Here's what was on my list:

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: shows off Chicago better than any other movie I've seen

Weird Science: actually makes me kind of excited to one day live in Chicago suburbs

Risky Business: In Chicago, at least they have really sympathetic call girls.  Also, I now want to buy a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers.

Sixteen Candles: This film never really resonated with me like other Hughes films, but it's still pure gold.

The Breakfast Club: Yes, I have visited the high school in this movie.

Rookie of the Year: Despite my hatred for all things Cub, this movie is a reminder of a time when they were truly pathetic, not just a let-down in the clutch.

Home Alone: An all time Christmas classic, higher than Miracle on 34th Street in my book for Chicago Christmas movies.

The Blues Brothers

She's Having a Baby: Hughes' shift away from teen comedies is regrettable, but this is still a good film.  Perhaps it is best that he left his excellent record in that sub-genre alone.

Ordinary People

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: The best Chicago holiday-themed movie.

National Lampoon's Vacation: Another verfied classic.  Even though the family only begins in Chicago, this movie, the major theme is: wherever you go, there you are.

Something might strike you about this list.  Chicago, apparently, was huge in the movies in the late-70s to early-90s era.  Much, but not all, of this can  be attributed to John Hughes.  I am an avowed John Hughes fanatic, which probably accounts for my affinity toward both the 80s and Chicago.  Risky Business has striking similarities to many films in the Hughes oeuvre, and you could easily see Rookie of the Year fitting in with the later Hughes family-friendly films.  The others are fairly solid films, too.  Nothing like taking the edge off of a major life-changing week than warming up to some classic movies.  Very comforting, indeed.

I also intend to continue blogging as frequently as time and creativity permit.